NEW YEAR

(sigh)

While I long ago stopped making New Year's resolutions, I nonetheless have decided that an attempt should be made to face the realities of my life. It has been gut-wrenching, but here're the results of my soul searching.

I'm facing the reality that

1) no matter how hard I try, I shall NEVER like Tom Cruise.

2) it's unlikely I will pass through 2009 without yet another speeding ticket.

3) coffee ice cream is, alas, NOT one of the five basic food groups.

4) it's not ladylike to smoke a cherry cigar with the fifth glass of wine, even if the wine IS Moet Chandon Nectar Imperial champagne.

5) my children will only recognize my wisdom after I'm gone.

6) my grandchildren will NEVER recognize said wisdom.

7) body piercings and tattoos are here to stay. (God help us.)

8) the Democrats are going to spend my champagne (and cherry cigar) money.

9) there's not a Wonder bra anywhere in the world to relocate my boobs where they belong.

I could go on and on, but I'm stopping at 9. I can't give you TOO much fodder for heckling me!

(sigh)