SIGNS OF THE TIMES

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It just wouldn't get it to see a roadside sign that said

MYANMAR SHAVE

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PARSE THE WORDS

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I read a few books about writing recently, all of which advise that simplicity is key and that verbosity is always out. (Someone should tell James Michener this.) Rather than say, "New York is a great place in springtime when you can actually walk down the streets without breaking a sweat, and you can look above the skyscrapers and see a blue sky," perhaps "New York is magnificent in spring." is a better choice.

So, what about our politicians? Is it possible they could employ speech writers who would keep it simple? The words in yellow lettering might be more to the point.

Obama: The Iraqi government is inefficient and broken. We are finding ourselves in another Viet Nam where victory is not only elusive but also impossible. (We need to bring our troops home with their tails between their legs.)

Hillary: The situation in Iraq is costing this country billions of tax dollars and the lives of our young men and women who didn't want to go there in the first place. (Saving Iraq is as impossible as fixing health care.)

Edwards: Why should we spend billions of dollars on an un-winnable war? Those folks in the Middle East have been at each others' throats for centuries. Who are we to think we can change their minds? (I'm a millionaire and I resent my tax dollars being put down the rabbit hole.)

Kerry: I'm a Viet Nam vet and I understand war. But not this one. We have no exit strategy, no leadership over there. We need to turn around and run as fast as we can from Iraq. (I'm a Viet Nam vet and I get to dis the troops if I want to. Tomorrow I may change my mind.)

McCain: We need to support our troops and take a decisive stand in Iraq. We cannot turn tail and run as Mr. Kerry suggests. (I'm a former POW and I've got the scars to prove it.)

Bush: Iran's and Syria's determination to obtain nu-ca-lah capability is cause for great concern. The free world recognizes the danger and will attempt to employ diplomacy at the highest level in order to defuse this situation. (We're gonna kick their asses if they don't cease and desist.)

Cheney: We're gonna kick their asses if they don't cease and desist. (They're toast.)

"The most essential part of a good writer is a built-in, shock-proof shit detector." So said Ernest Hemingway, and as usual, he was right.

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MORE ANIMAL CRAZINESS

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OK. I've written a couple of times about the craziness we as humans go to as it relates to our pets, but I just never cease to be amazed at how nuts we really are. Forget about the self-cleaning litter boxes or the doggie steps that help those pets climb into bed with us. (ARGH!!!) And even forget about the canine orthodontists, who as far back as 25 years ago were practicing to the tune of annual six-figure incomes (see above left photo for an actual publicly disseminated brochure of "problem" canine teeth.)

Recently I read about (OMG!) canine swimming lessons where, for a tidy sum, you can enroll your dog in these classes. They receive one-on-one instruction, a life jacket to wear, and you receive the award for dimmest bulb in the pack. Canines have a natural ability to dog paddle, but these lessons can "reduce the fear and anxiety associated with a large body of water." OMG again.

Listen, People. Pets are wonderful. They provide companionship and are truly beloved. But THEY ARE ANIMALS, and they don't know diddly squat about why you're tormenting them with orthodontists, nor will they likely benefit from swimming lessons. They may enjoy the time in the water and the attention they receive, but you can do that yourself for a lot less than you'll pay Biff to put on his actor's cap and pretend he cares.

I just wish we were as open minded about the REAL issues in this country and could assume a stance of reason for a change.

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"COGNITO, ERGO SUM"

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Descartes: "Cognito, ergo sum." ("I think, therefore I am.")

I was reading a philosophy book recently (don't ask) and came upon an interesting piece on Descartes and his famous statement. On the surface, this stuff is intriguing; but the more I read, the more I decided that 1) it's too deep for me and 2) it's possible these philosophers were trying to meditate their elbows up their a _ _ _ _. Most likely it's both, since elbows don't fit in those places and I can't fathom trying. You'd think the statement itself is self-explanatory, but noooooo. Descartes wrote and wrote and wrote trying to explain himself and how he came to this "amazing" conclusion. The only thing that I agreed with was that he decided "If I do not exist, then I cannot be mistaken."

I LIKE that.

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SAVANNAH

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I want to go back to Savannah. I always think of that beautiful old city in the fall (too stiflingly hot to even contemplate it in spring and summer!). It's such a gracious, totally SOUTHERN place with its Spanish moss hanging from the trees; the lovely squares of old Savannah's downtown; the cobbled waterfront with quaint shops along the Savannah River; the beautiful plantation-style homes; the shrimpboats chugging along with barrelsful of those sublime creatures, just ready to be bought and cooked by some of the best restaurants on the East Coast. I look forward to meeting more of those charming and gracious natives of the city, replete with their l-o-n-g drawls and unbelievable friendliness.

John Berendt's book, Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil (which is a great read, by the way) has increased tourism in the city the past few years and been terrific for the local economy. And even though following the tourist beat isn't necessarily my thing, it IS fun to take one of the horse-drawn carriage rides through the city and also to take a trip to Bonaventure Cemetery. Bonaventure will amaze you!

Savannah can be pricey -- staying at one of the B&Bs on the squares or one of the hotels in the old, restored part of the city can cost upwards of $200 a night, which usually includes a full tea in the afternoon, but there are the usual chain motels on the outer fringe as well as less expensive B&Bs. You don't get the real Savannah experience though if you don't spend a lot of time in the old city...and it's worth every penny.

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"AWAY FROM HER" - REVIEW

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I don't do movie reviews on this blog very often, but I watched an incredibly moving film on DVD yesterday: Away from Her.

The story is heartbreaking but you'll be mesmerized by Julie Christie's portrayal of Fiona, a long-married classy lady slowly being pushed into an abyss by Alzheimer's disease. It's a story of love and devotion, but it's not sappy in the least. I was prepared for this to be a three-handkerchief movie, but it wasn't. There are moments of extreme sadness when you truly feel the husband's grief, but I found it uplifting that someone actually created a character who makes an extraordinary sacrifice for the woman he loves.

This movie wasn't in the theatres long -- probably because it doesn't contain the usual violence, profanity, NOISE that the blockbusters usually do. It's just a simple, quiet, powerful film that was well worth my two hours yesterday. Check it out.

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