WHO? WHAT?

(sigh)

Uche Echefu
Urule Igbavboa
Gani Lawal
Alade Aminu
Tunji Soroye
Pau Geli
Daye Kaba
Joonas Suotamo
Laurynas Mikalauskas
Damir Suljagic
Karolis Petrukonis
Martynas Pocius
Esmir Rizvic
and last but not least.....
Idong Ibok

Exotic drinks? Foreign politicos? Nope.
All NCAA basketball players.
Can you hear it now? "Set the pick, Idong!"
"No illegal screens, Urule!"

(sigh)

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED

(LOL)

A friend sent me the following and it cracked me up!

Christmas Carols for the Disturbed
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle

Merry Christmas, Everybody

DEAR ANN LANDERS

December 1965
Dear Ann Landers:
I've been married two weeks and our "bedroom" life is wonderful. Please advise all your readers how wonderful marriage is.
Blissful in Boise

June 1966
Dear Ann Landers:
After 6 months of marriage, our "bedroom" life is amazing. Please advise all your readers how wonderful marriage is.
More than Blissful in Boise

June 1967
Dear Ann Landers:
Our first bundle of joy has arrived, thanks to our continuing "bedroom" connection. Advise readers marriage and parenthood are great.
Banged in Boise

December 1975
Dear Ann Landers:
After 10 years of marriage, things are slowing down in the bedroom. The three oldest kids are running me ragged and the twins still need two feedings a night. My breasts need to be put back where they belong.
Betty in Boise

December 1985
Dear Ann Landers:
Twenty years with this guy. I think he's "straying." Sex ain't what it used to be. As a matter of fact, sex ain't.
Boise

December 1995
Dear Ann Landers:
Thirty freakin' years. You'd think he'd get it on once a year or so.
Bonkers in Boise

December 2005
Dear Ann Landers:
Forty years is all I can do. Divorce final next week.
Battling in Boise

December 2006
Dear Ann Landers:
Met a great guy, sex is great. Please advise all your readers how wonderful being single is.
Bodacious in Boise

Dear Boise:
In anticipation of what's to come, quitcher bitchin' and buy yourself a battery-operated toy. They don't "stray," snore, scratch inappropriate places or talk back. Enjoy.
Ann Landers

MORE PET INSANITY

(sigh)

I'm telling you, this pet stuff has just gotten totally out of hand. Progressive auto insurer has recently added a collision benefit for pets. Nice guys that they are, they will now pay $500 to the insured if their pet is injured or killed in an auto accident. No charge for the benefit either.

(sigh)

PETS AND SANTA

(sigh)

I don't know what it is about the holiday season, but there seem to be more lunatics out there than usual.

The local paper here the other day had an ad for a photo opportunity for your PETS to be captured on film with Santa! Next thing you know, they'll be having a "Breakfast with Santa" for the pets as well. (Hear me heaving?)

I don't believe I need to say more.

(sigh)

SAN FRANCISCO VS. PORTLAND

(sigh)

I swear, San Francisco (as usual) has one-upped just about every U.S. city and town on every issue the least bit "fringe," but this one astounds me. Remember recently when I posted about Portland's Women's and Transgender Repair Shop? Well, SF has gone them one better. That crazy-ass city is now planning to issue residents ID cards with no gender ascribed because it's "confusing to their transgender residents."

OMG.

I'm telling you, the governing body out there is nuts; and much the same can be said for much of the SF community since they're electing these fools.

(the biggest of sighs)

RIBBONS, RIBBONS EVERYWHERE (AND NOT HOLIDAY ONES!)

(sigh)

I think we've gone a little bonkers with these so-called "awareness" ribbons. They're EVERYWHERE -- cars, pins, backpacks, return address labels, ad infinitum. The first I recall seeing these things was years ago when yellow ribbons tied around trees represented support for our troops and support of hostages held in Iran. The yellow ribbon actually has a Biblical reference which we have watered down to our own liking. Since the yellow ribbons of the 80s, ribbons have appeared in a multitude of colors supporting the cause du jour. Most represent awareness for significant diseases, but a few stretch the imagination.

See if you know what ribbons of these colors supposedly signify:

Red/white/blue - patriotism

Pale yellow - spina biffida

Red - HIV; substance abuse prevention

Pink - breast cancer prevention; birth parents/adoption

White - terrorism victims; peace; right to life

Jigsaw of colors - autism

Lavender - general cancer awareness

Green - organ/tissue donation; missing children; the environment

Dark blue - child abuse/domestic violence prevention; free speech; arthritis; water safety

(WATER SAFETY????????????????!!!!!!!!!!)

Pastel pink and blue - SIDS

We're gonna run out of colors.

(sigh)

TURKEY DAY

(sigh)


whip up the spuds,
stuff the bird.
not a word of thanks
was ever heard.
bake mounds of stuffing,
cook the peas,
toss the greens,
sweeten teas.
"It’s yummy,"
I kept waiting to hear
but no,
those words missed
both my ears.
glaze the yams,
frost the cake,
boil the ham,
and relish make.
bake the squash,
pickle beets
devil eggs,
(my poor feet.)
roll out the crusts,
and bake the pies.
"I’ll help," I heard
to my surprise.
you thought, of course,
that I would say
I really hate this turkey day.
but no.
it’s just that we’re ungrateful
for all those piled-high, heaping platesful.
we’ve lost the meaning of this day.
food’s not it…
we’ve lost our way.

(sigh)

OVER 55

(sigh)

There is a significant need for a real line of "Over 55" products. I don't mean the usual Fix-o-Dent, Metamucil, Depends stuff. I mean stuff that would facilitate daily life other than cleansing our colons or enrolling us in Medicare Part D.

Things like: foods that print the directions in a font larger than 2; menus that are pared down to a page rather than a small book (we need a nap after the second page); places to eat that are senior-friendly (translation: no one younger than 18 in order to eliminate the staccato screams that produce cardiac arrhythmia); jars that do not require a torque wrench to open; public bathrooms where ALL the doors to the stalls open OUTWARD rather than INWARD (some stalls are so small you have to put one foot on the toilet seat to close the door); warehouse grocery stores that have a "senior" section that has everything we need on just one short aisle...skim milk, decaf coffee, All Bran, reduced fat cheese, Egg Beaters, low sodium soups, Fix-o-Dent, Metamucil, Depends.

(sigh)

IMPOVERISHED SOCIETY

OMG.

I don't mean impoverished financially. I mean morally.

In years past I don't recall being as astounded, infuriated, disgusted on such a regular basis with society in general as I have been the past year or so. Of course, these are my opinions and I understand that lots of people disagree with me -- some vehemently so. But it seems there are so many wrong-headed decisions made about just about everything -- from war to social issues to animal insanity -- that it's difficult to find ANYTHING which falls on the side of common sense.

The most recent issue which has disturbed me greatly is Maine's and Maryland's program of dispensing birth control to students as young as 11 years without informing the parents. In Maine, King Middle School, which has routinely dispensed condoms, now also dispenses birth control pills without parental knowledge. This horrifies me! Birth control pills carry medical risks themselves and may be contra-indicated in girls who are on other medications or have medical conditions which the pills might exacerbate. One public official stated that students cannot be dispensed aspirin for a headache but can confidentially obtain birth control pills.

If I were a parent with a child in a school district allowing this, I would immediately remove my child from that school. I would then work diligently to have this stupidity reversed. There are a few other states which also employ this policy. Guess which states they are! You're right, of course -- where else but California, Oregon, Vermont. This sickens me, but I'm not the least bit surprised that these states have assumed this stance. They are, after all, supporting Hillary.

(sigh)

PET PEEVES AND FAVORITE THINGS

PET PEEVES:


Liberals

Pets in the house

I 95 (north AND southbound)

Non-thinkers

Loud noise

Diane Sawyer

Clutter

Locals governments (a misnomer???) in California, Oregon, Vermont and most of Massachusetts

Screaming kids in public places

Refrigerator magnets

Vulgar bumper stickers

Kelly Clarkson's "new" persona

Washing dishes


FAVORITE THINGS:

Autumn

Josh Groban

Southern cooking

Kelly Clarkson's "old" persona

"House" TV show

Bill O'Reilly

Air conditioning

Morning coffee, iced coffee, coffee ice cream (Haagen Daz only)

My sisterhood

Hitchcock movies

College basketball (Go, Duke!)

Rainy days

My relationship with Bill

HILLARY AND BILLY MAYS

(sigh)

Can you imagine Billy Mays, TV product pitchman extraordinaire, doing an ad for Hillary's campaign?

HI THERE! BILLY MAYS HERE TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON'S AMAZING PLAN FOR AMERICA UPON BEING ELECTED AS OUR PRESIDENT IN 2008!

JUST THINK! THERE'LL BE A NEW GOVERNMENT WITH HUNDREDS OF NEW SOCIAL PROGRAMS!

OUR CHILDREN WILL BENEFIT FROM FREE HEALTH CARE, FREE COLLEGE TUITION, A GIFT CERTIFICATE FROM MCDONALD'S WITH AN ANNUAL STIPEND RENEWAL, AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, A FREE DVD OF AL GORE'S ACADEMY AWARD WINNING DOCUMENTARY, "AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH!"

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL, VOTING AMERICA! IF YOU PLEDGE 25% OF YOUR SALARY RIGHT NOW, HILLARY WILL SEND YOU A FRAMED COPY OF PAULA JONES' DESCRIPTION OF BILL'S MOST FAMOUS ANATOMICAL FEATURE!

BUT WAIT! IN ADDITION, IF YOU PLEDGE 50% OF YOUR SALARY, HILLARY WILL SEND YOU ANOTHER PICTURE COMPARING PAULA'S NOSE WITH BILL'S MEMBER! IT'S AMAZING HOW THEY BOTH CURVE TO THE LEFT!

BUT THAT'S STILL NOT ALL, AMERICA! IF YOU CALL WITHIN THE NEXT SEVEN MINUTES, WE'LL SEND YOU THE DESCRIPTION, THE PICTURE AND AN AUTOGRAPHED PHOTOGRAPH OF HILLARY HAVING THANKSGIVING DINNER WITH OUR TROOPS! THIS IS AN UNTOUCHED PHOTOGRAPH SHOWING HILLARY'S HAND UNDER THE TABLE RUBBING SGT. GOMEZ'S LEG!

HILLARY WANTS EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU TO BENEFIT FROM THIS AMAZING OFFER, SO CALL NOW! OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY! 1-999-SCREWDU !

(sigh)

MORE FUNNY T SHIRTS

(sigh)

In our never-ending quest for the funniest T shirt logo, here are a few seen recently. There are some absolutely filthy ones out there, which I don't include.......I wonder how people can actually walk around in some of them. (I suspect it's because there was no one home raising them in their early years.)

Anyway, here go some of the funny ones. I have to admit some DO have a little edge to them:

ANNA NICOLE: THANKS FOR THE MAMMORIES

BUY ME ANOTHER BEER. YOU'RE STILL UGLY.

STEROIDS: HELPING THE MEDIOCRE COMPETE

I MESSED WITH TEXAS.

YES, I'M FROM AMERICA. NO, I DON'T SPEAK SPANISH.

50% SINGLE

HUNG LIKE A WALRUS

I MET YOUR MOM ON MYSPACE

DON'T FORGET TO PAY YOUR TAXES. 12 MILLION ILLEGALS DEPEND ON YOU!

NEBRASKA. WE GOT CORN AND 1 BIG CITY.

I GOT CRABS IN ALASKA.

TRUCKER BITCH

IF YOU'RE GONNA RIDE MY ASS, AT LEAST PULL MY HAIR!

ALABAMA. SO MANY RECIPES. SO FEW SQUIRRELS.

(LOL)

SIGNS OF THE TIMES

(sigh)

It just wouldn't get it to see a roadside sign that said

MYANMAR SHAVE

(sigh)

PARSE THE WORDS

(sigh)

I read a few books about writing recently, all of which advise that simplicity is key and that verbosity is always out. (Someone should tell James Michener this.) Rather than say, "New York is a great place in springtime when you can actually walk down the streets without breaking a sweat, and you can look above the skyscrapers and see a blue sky," perhaps "New York is magnificent in spring." is a better choice.

So, what about our politicians? Is it possible they could employ speech writers who would keep it simple? The words in yellow lettering might be more to the point.

Obama: The Iraqi government is inefficient and broken. We are finding ourselves in another Viet Nam where victory is not only elusive but also impossible. (We need to bring our troops home with their tails between their legs.)

Hillary: The situation in Iraq is costing this country billions of tax dollars and the lives of our young men and women who didn't want to go there in the first place. (Saving Iraq is as impossible as fixing health care.)

Edwards: Why should we spend billions of dollars on an un-winnable war? Those folks in the Middle East have been at each others' throats for centuries. Who are we to think we can change their minds? (I'm a millionaire and I resent my tax dollars being put down the rabbit hole.)

Kerry: I'm a Viet Nam vet and I understand war. But not this one. We have no exit strategy, no leadership over there. We need to turn around and run as fast as we can from Iraq. (I'm a Viet Nam vet and I get to dis the troops if I want to. Tomorrow I may change my mind.)

McCain: We need to support our troops and take a decisive stand in Iraq. We cannot turn tail and run as Mr. Kerry suggests. (I'm a former POW and I've got the scars to prove it.)

Bush: Iran's and Syria's determination to obtain nu-ca-lah capability is cause for great concern. The free world recognizes the danger and will attempt to employ diplomacy at the highest level in order to defuse this situation. (We're gonna kick their asses if they don't cease and desist.)

Cheney: We're gonna kick their asses if they don't cease and desist. (They're toast.)

"The most essential part of a good writer is a built-in, shock-proof shit detector." So said Ernest Hemingway, and as usual, he was right.

(sigh)

MORE ANIMAL CRAZINESS

(sigh, sigh, sigh)

OK. I've written a couple of times about the craziness we as humans go to as it relates to our pets, but I just never cease to be amazed at how nuts we really are. Forget about the self-cleaning litter boxes or the doggie steps that help those pets climb into bed with us. (ARGH!!!) And even forget about the canine orthodontists, who as far back as 25 years ago were practicing to the tune of annual six-figure incomes (see above left photo for an actual publicly disseminated brochure of "problem" canine teeth.)

Recently I read about (OMG!) canine swimming lessons where, for a tidy sum, you can enroll your dog in these classes. They receive one-on-one instruction, a life jacket to wear, and you receive the award for dimmest bulb in the pack. Canines have a natural ability to dog paddle, but these lessons can "reduce the fear and anxiety associated with a large body of water." OMG again.

Listen, People. Pets are wonderful. They provide companionship and are truly beloved. But THEY ARE ANIMALS, and they don't know diddly squat about why you're tormenting them with orthodontists, nor will they likely benefit from swimming lessons. They may enjoy the time in the water and the attention they receive, but you can do that yourself for a lot less than you'll pay Biff to put on his actor's cap and pretend he cares.

I just wish we were as open minded about the REAL issues in this country and could assume a stance of reason for a change.

(sigh)

"COGNITO, ERGO SUM"

(sigh)

Descartes: "Cognito, ergo sum." ("I think, therefore I am.")

I was reading a philosophy book recently (don't ask) and came upon an interesting piece on Descartes and his famous statement. On the surface, this stuff is intriguing; but the more I read, the more I decided that 1) it's too deep for me and 2) it's possible these philosophers were trying to meditate their elbows up their a _ _ _ _. Most likely it's both, since elbows don't fit in those places and I can't fathom trying. You'd think the statement itself is self-explanatory, but noooooo. Descartes wrote and wrote and wrote trying to explain himself and how he came to this "amazing" conclusion. The only thing that I agreed with was that he decided "If I do not exist, then I cannot be mistaken."

I LIKE that.

(sigh)

SAVANNAH

(sigh)

I want to go back to Savannah. I always think of that beautiful old city in the fall (too stiflingly hot to even contemplate it in spring and summer!). It's such a gracious, totally SOUTHERN place with its Spanish moss hanging from the trees; the lovely squares of old Savannah's downtown; the cobbled waterfront with quaint shops along the Savannah River; the beautiful plantation-style homes; the shrimpboats chugging along with barrelsful of those sublime creatures, just ready to be bought and cooked by some of the best restaurants on the East Coast. I look forward to meeting more of those charming and gracious natives of the city, replete with their l-o-n-g drawls and unbelievable friendliness.

John Berendt's book, Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil (which is a great read, by the way) has increased tourism in the city the past few years and been terrific for the local economy. And even though following the tourist beat isn't necessarily my thing, it IS fun to take one of the horse-drawn carriage rides through the city and also to take a trip to Bonaventure Cemetery. Bonaventure will amaze you!

Savannah can be pricey -- staying at one of the B&Bs on the squares or one of the hotels in the old, restored part of the city can cost upwards of $200 a night, which usually includes a full tea in the afternoon, but there are the usual chain motels on the outer fringe as well as less expensive B&Bs. You don't get the real Savannah experience though if you don't spend a lot of time in the old city...and it's worth every penny.

(sigh)

"AWAY FROM HER" - REVIEW

(sigh)

I don't do movie reviews on this blog very often, but I watched an incredibly moving film on DVD yesterday: Away from Her.

The story is heartbreaking but you'll be mesmerized by Julie Christie's portrayal of Fiona, a long-married classy lady slowly being pushed into an abyss by Alzheimer's disease. It's a story of love and devotion, but it's not sappy in the least. I was prepared for this to be a three-handkerchief movie, but it wasn't. There are moments of extreme sadness when you truly feel the husband's grief, but I found it uplifting that someone actually created a character who makes an extraordinary sacrifice for the woman he loves.

This movie wasn't in the theatres long -- probably because it doesn't contain the usual violence, profanity, NOISE that the blockbusters usually do. It's just a simple, quiet, powerful film that was well worth my two hours yesterday. Check it out.

(sigh)

MORE ABOUT KUDZU

(sigh)

I wasn't kidding when I mentioned in another post that kudzu is taking over the south. Here are some pictures from the web that replicate what we saw on our trip out west. Kudzu will cover houses, trees, whatever. It's the most amazing natural thing I've ever seen. The strange thing is that it's a pretty sight, but it's a parasite and therefore is quite destructive. Don't let your jaw drop from these pictures.

(sigh)

VACATION LOG

(sigh)

Driving almost 4,000 miles in a short period of time is, well, interesting. One learns things about another that were unknown pre-journey -- some good, some frustrating. View my vacation log.

Tues., Aug. 14th

Bill and I had a plan to leave Fredericksburg at 6 a.m. I was up, dressed, ready to go at 5:15 a.m., much to his dismay. By 7 a.m., HE was finally ready. I like to travel light, take as little as possible to minimize clutter and maximize space. HE likes to travel with half of everything he owns. I didn't really think we needed the pepper spray, but what the hell. I didn't realize how much liquid this man consumes; consequently, we spent a great deal of travel time searching out restrooms, which of course, precipitated a mini shopping spree in the truck stops for him. I had iced coffee from McDonald's.

We had hoped to get to Nashville that first day, which we did, but I was exhausted (I had gotten up at 4:30 a.m. in order to be ready by 6.) It was a long day.

Wed., Aug. 15th

Bill and I had a plan to leave Nashville at 6 a.m. I was up, dressed, ready to go at 5:15 a.m., AGAIN much to his dismay. By 7:30 a.m., HE was finally ready. We had added to our luggage every free publication Nashville puts out, every complimentary shampoo and conditioner the motel chain provides. I didn't really think we needed the real estate freebie on properties in Nashville since I don't believe we're looking to purchase anything there, but what the hell. No McDonald's in Tennessee serves iced coffee. We had hoped to get to Oklahoma City that second day, but we didn't make it. We veered off the beaten path to Muskogee, Oklahoma, had the best meal of the trip at Miss Addie's and stayed in the best room of the trip at a local chain there. Go figure.

Thurs., Aug. 16th

Bill and I had a plan to leave Muskogee at 6 a.m. I was up, dressed, ready to go at 5:15 a.m. By 7:45 a.m., HE was finally ready. (Do you see an evolving pattern here?) By now our suitcases were crammed and we had resorted to plastic bags to hold all the free reading materials, shampoo samples, etc. Since I hate to shop but Bill loves it, we had also acquired any number of baseball hats, T shirts, and other regional memorabilia. The McDonald's in Oklahoma serve iced coffee. We had hoped to get to Albuquerque that third day, but we didn't make it. We spent a restless night in Amarillo.

Friday, Aug. 17th

Bill and I had a plan to leave Amarillo mid morning. We got away on time. The remainder of the trip to Albuquerque was pleasant enough, and we arrived there mid afternoon. He had some business to take care of, and we spent two hours in a FedEx Kinko's. Welcome to New Mexico. Incompetence is everywhere, it seems. New Mexico McDonald's serve iced coffee though, so I was happy.

We spent four nights with friends, spent time with their daughter and grandchildren, ate some really good meals in the local restaurants, saw most of the city and surrounding area. It's beautiful there and I love it more every time I visit. It was hot though -- 100 + degrees, but "it's a dry heat." That's true, but 100 is 100 regardless.

Tuesday, Aug. 21st

We spent another couple of days traveling around New Mexico after leaving our friends.

The architecture is very appealing, the art and cultural amenities abound. Albuquerque is diverse with its mountains, valleys, mesas. There's a good bit of urban sprawl, but it keeps a large city from seeming cramped.

Thurs., Aug. 23rd

Bill and I had a plan to leave New Mexico at 6 a.m. I was up, dressed and ready to go at 5:15 a.m. We left at 6:30 but then had to get gasoline and iced coffee, so it was nearly 7 a.m. before we headed east. We made it to Oklahoma City that night, despite NUMEROUS stops to find restrooms and replenish the water and iced coffee.

Fri., Aug. 24th

Bill and I had a plan to leave Oklahoma City at 6 a.m. I was up, dressed and ready to go at 5:15. We left at 7. My tolerance level for alarm clocks was ebbing low. By now I've had so much iced coffee that my stomach is rebelling and cups with the golden arches are starting to make me queasy. We DID pass through Memphis and a flitting thought passed through my mind that we should stop and light a candle at Graceland to commemorate the thirty years since Elvis' demise. Why that occurred to me, I don't know since I never cared for him.

Sat., Aug. 25th

Bill and I had a plan to leave Nashville at 6 a.m.

I slept in, too.

We left at 7:15 a.m, got home that night at 7:30 p.m. Took til 10 p.m. to unload all the newspapers, magazines, brochures, relics from the trip.

I unpacked my things in ten minutes.

All in all it was a wonderful trip. The windmills in the southwest are amazing; we met lots of nice folks; saw some beautiful scenery; drank some good wine. But the thing that struck me the most was this:

KUDZU HAS TAKEN OVER THE SOUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(sigh)

VISION

(sigh))

He caught my eye.......

And then threw it back.

(LOL)

GAY PRIDE?????????

(sigh)

The other day when watching the news there was a segment on a Gay Pride parade in San Diego. I have never been so disgusted. I thought I was looking at New Orleans during Mardi Gras. In my opinion, these parades as they're put on now should be considered hazardous to our health and banned out right. Never have I seen such screwball, common, indecent specimens of humanity.

On one float was a young male gyrating sexually wearing just briefs and a pair of wings. On another float of elaborately coifed and made-up transvestites, they pantomimed risque sexual acts. Still another float of lesbians danced provacatively wearing nothing but strap-ons and pasties. This was the most nauseating display of crap I've ever witnessed.

I have nothing against an individual's right to pursue whatever sexual orientation they have, but if STRAIGHT people engaged in a similar type of public display of decadence, the outcry would be heard around the world. Why can't gays reserve their "flamboyance" for private get-togethers rather than flaunt this stuff so openly? I think most of the heterosexual world would respect their right to be who they are if only they would refrain from this type of in-your-face "ebulliance."

I remember seeing a snippet of one of the first Gay Pride parades in New York many years ago, and at the time it was orderly and low-key...just a group of gay folks who wanted to be able to announce their sexual orientation without fear of retribution. These parades have since evolved into circuses with sexual antics being acted out for all the world to see. Yes, I'm offended, as I think most people are, but for some reason we're afraid we'll be categorized as politically incorrect if we state our opinion. Well, I'm stating mine. I would be offended by this type of stuff being done in public (and televised!) whether by straights or gays, and we need to legally restrict this type of behavior from public view. Just because California (or Oregon or Vermont) are okay with this stuff doesn't mean the rest of us are. And, unfortunately, the rest of the country is slapped with this stuff via the news media.

Enough's enough.

(sigh)

EAVESDROPPING ON THE RICH

(sigh)

A couple of evenings ago Bill and I drove to St. Michaels, Maryland, a quaint little place off Maryland's Eastern Shore. St. Michaels bills itself as "the heart and soul of the Chesapeake Bay," encourages "sail-in" trips and visits to the town's artsy boutiques and galleries.

It's quaint, all right.

We dined at the Bistro St. Michaels, an upscale white-tablecloth restaurant where even the bus boys look like they just stepped out of GQ. At the table to our left sat Biff and Buffy -- he with the starched denim shirt and loosely permed hair cut expertly, I'm sure, to the tune of about $150. She wore a diamond tennis bracelet and two-carat chunk of ice on her ring finger. To our right was the entertainment.....a family whose dinner conversation kept us in stitches throughout.

If you had not heard these conversational gems and been privy to their easy-going, non-affected tone, you'd have thought it was a "Saturday Night Live" skit. But these folks are evidently old money and have lived this type of life FOREVER; therefore, their banter was genuine. The family seated beside us consisted of several mature adults and several young adults. The girls had that "Rory Gilmore" look -- stylish and understated chic. The younger men were attired in the brightly-colored look of casual preppy and are heading to law school. The adults discussed the possibility of a daughter's wedding on the "farm" and offered up hundred-dollar bills to the young men as they excused themelves from dinner for a night on the town. Dinner chatter among them covered an upcoming, much-anticipated cruise down the Nile; yet another trip to Dubai and Qatar (why Qatar, for God's sake???); the new riding and shooting facilities; Italian bocce balls; recent golf outings and handicaps. A waitress remarked to the matriarch how much she loved her accent, to which the woman replied, "Oh, honey, it only took me three weeks to get it." I found it terribly hard to contain myself and found myself actually chuckling out loud

(elegantly, of course!).

We were so pleased to know they're with us in the trenches, however, when Sir mentioned that they should retire to his pool for a cocktail and swim, to which the woman offered up that she was too fat to put on her swimsuit (she'd weigh in at about 110 pounds). He then asked, "Why wear a swimsuit?"

Thank heaven for REAL people!

The ambiance was graceful, the seafood exquisite, the waitstaff effusive. But the next-table conversation was what made this such a kick.

Money, money, money.

(LOL)

WEST VIRGINIA

(sigh)

I just had to take a minute to write this. I spent today in West Virginia with Bill and have decided that SOME (not ALL) of the jokes about our neighbor state may just be for real.

While driving through the tiny town of Inwood, we passed the "Gentleman's Club" (a misnomer, perhaps?) that advertised the best daytime nude dancers. (I'm interested in whether they have dancers in the evening as well.) From there you can patronize "Slightly Sinful, An Adult Erotica Shop." But hold on. It's not ALL bad. Just a block away is the United Methodist Church which on ITS sign says "Tickets to heaven here." So in just a couple of blocks you can ogle, purchase and be saved.

And you know you're in West Virginia when apologies like "I'm sorry, Sheila" are spray painted on concrete bridge abutments. Trust me. There appears to be much going on in Inwood.

Poor, poor Sheila.

(sigh)

PAULA DEEN AND HER "INTERNATIONAL" RECIPE

(sigh)

I love Paula Deen, she of the Food Network's popular show and owner/chef/manager of the famous Savannah restaurant, "The Lady and Sons." But Paula should stick to what she knows best, which is traditional recipes for southern comfort foods.

I was watching an old show of hers recently where she was making several "international" dishes. I had to laugh. The Cuban sandwiches she put together were hysterical -- French bread, Dijon (French) mustard, prosciutto (Italian ham), Swiss cheese. An authentic Cuban sandwich uses mostly organic artisan breads, three different meats, one of which is roast pork which has been marinated in a wide array of tropical citruses. They also include a rosemary sun-dried ham, which is a staple of these sandwiches. Usually the cheese is a goat cheese, not the Swiss or Provolone that Americans slap on a CUBAN sandwich.

There are many recipes for these sandwiches, and as usual we have abominated them with ingredients the Cuban people would never put on theirs. I've even seen them referred to in this country as Cuban paninis, which is, OMG, Italian!

(sigh)

CONTROL, REMOTELY

(sigh)

What IS it about guys and the remote control? Do they have some strange anatomical
parallelism with the damn thing? Is it an extension of their personalities, a machismo they derive from having their fingers on the buttons? Since the true nature of men is to strive to control whatever situation they're in -- and from a distance, at that -- does this device afford them the opportunity to do just that? And with hundreds of channels to surf, their virility must be upwards of the Sears Tower (no phallic metaphor intended).

Most women have been subjected to a man's control over the remote and his constant surfing up and down the channels, regardless of whether we're watching something else. They have no shame. OUR interests are totally unimportant when the remote is in their possession (which is virtually always); therefore, our interests are pretty much ignored most of the time. I know of men who actually HIDE the damn thing so as not to have to wrest it from another family member. I wonder, truly, if fathers aspire for the remote to be their legacy to their sons. There's a distinct demarcation line with remote controls, and they definitely are colored blue instead of pink. Gender expectations are written on the instructions.

There is much scholarship on women, but I don't believe this remote control issue has been studied. It needs to be. There's a new "chick" drama premiering in the fall and I don't want it interspersed with Nascar and pro football.

There's a principle here.

(sigh)

NAVELS VERSUS IRAQ

(sigh)

Perhaps we should put aside contemplating our navels and instead contemplate Iraq. I'm afraid we'd have more luck growing turnips from those belly buttons than motivating the Sunnis, Shiites and Kurds to step up to the plate and assume responsibility for their futures. The culture wars among those factions is not going to be resolved because the United States wants it, and I think the powers that be here underestimated the seriousness of those conflicts.

Unfortunately, we have been in deep doo-doo with this war for quite a while, but we can't walk away from what we started and leave the Iraqi people to resolve additional issues which we precipitated. On the other hand, perhaps our leaving would motivate them to find compromises and take steps toward a democracy. It's a hard call.

What strikes me as repulsive though is the Democrats' scurrying toward a pull-out when any other time their decision would be to keep the government fully involved. It's the antithesis of their overall philosophy of "save the world." Of course, most likely the reason for the party's stand on the war in Iraq is that it is a Republican president's initiative. With a presidential election looming, success in Iraq would most certainly ensure a Republican president in '08.

It's disturbing, frightening even, that politicians have become so enthralled with their own re-elections that they forego the security of this country for their own good. Granted, their mantra is that they're reflecting the feeling of their constituents about the war; but the American people for the most part are disinterested in the details of what's really transpiring on this issue and therefore are not informed. We need to assume that the President and his staff have more information than we do and are making the best decisions possible under the circumstances. To let politics play a part here is like "dropping the queen of spades on someone else's trick." (Crisp).

(sigh)

PASTA AND MAYO

(sigh)

The world is in constant need of macaroni salad to feed 100.

Why IS this? Why have we not gotten away from the creamy, fat-laden salads of the 50s? You know why?
Because all us baby boomers are still stuck in that era, whether we admit it or not.
And what's even more interesting is that I was just asked to bring this dish to a luncheon, which was given by a 30-something young thing, who obviously had been brainwashed by her baby-boomer mother into believing that macaroni salad is still a mainstay at summer gatherings.

I just (pretended) to celebrate another birthday this week and had given serious thought to having a 50s/60s party complete with music from that time (which really WAS much better than the crap out there today), and foods from that era. Know what I came up with as baby boomer staples? You guessed it. Macaroni salad and (OMG) green jello salad! These to be accompanied by pigs in a blanket (which years ago was a Pillsbury bakeoff winner because it used their crescent rolls as the "blanket.") OMG again! We could wash all this down with Orange Crush and quarts of Grapette.

Except for fettucine alfredo, pasta is not MEANT to be doused with anything white. Therefore, the world needs to get over this macaroni salad thing. And we baby boomers need to pull ourselves out of the last five decades and land in the 21st century. I know, I know. Life requires triage, and macaroni salad is way down the line.

(sigh)

UP THE CREEK

I saw the funniest T-shirt the other day:

"Paddle faster! I hear banjo music!"

Deliver me, for heaven sake! LOL

MARRIED VERSUS DIVORCED

(sigh)

When you're married, your screen saver is a picture of your children or your grandchildren.
When you're divorced, your screen saver is a picture of your current flame.

When you're married, you take your vacation at the beach or the mountains.
When you're divorced, you take your vacation at Vegas.

When you're married, you drive a big, gas-guzzling luxury car.
When you're divorced, you go into hock for the Jag.

When you're married, your favorite TV show is "Oprah."
When you're divorced, your favorite TV show is "Talk Sex with Sue."

When you're married, you paint your bedroom off white.
When you're divorced, you paint your bedroom Chinese red.

When you're married, you buy sensible shoes.
When you're divorced, you buy stiletto heels.

When you're married, you do your own nails.
When you're divorced, you have your nails done at the salon every two weeks.

When you're married, you eat beef stroganoff and homemade rolls.
When you're divorced, you eat 3 ounces of grilled chicken and a salad of greens.

When you're married, your afternoon snack is a bag of peanut M & Ms.
When you're divorced, your afternoon snack is a cup of green tea.

When you're married, you're miserable.
When you're divorced, you're miserable.

(sigh)

MORE FREDERICKSBURG "THRILLS"

(sigh)

I can't help it. I'm so amazingly amused at the local entertainment that I have to share this week's jewels with you.

Tomorrow there's the Hot Tub and Pool Expo. Yay!
Sunday at Rikki's Refuge one can "meet and interact with critters" and have your charcoal portrait done preserving the moment!
There's the Art of Aging: Life After 50 Expo -- boy, I'm interested in THOSE exhibits!
Then there's always blues jamming by A Few Loose Screws at Dougherty's Tavern.
In the "Hot Concerts" list there's Robbie Fulks playing at Ashland Coffee and Tea and THEN at Jammin' Java! (Think this guy has a coffee fetish?)
And last but not least are a few kids' items of interest: quill writing at Ferry Farm; meeting at the picnic area of one of the parks to "make and eat fresh butter;" and the Touch-A-Truck extravaganza at Hurkamp Park.

omg.

(sigh)

PIGEONHOLED

(sigh)

We were like plankton, we baby boomers. We bought into the American dream of Elysium...the house with the white picket fence restraining two freckle-faced kids who, when asked, said they wanted to be 1) a policeman 2) a fireman 3) a homemaker 4) a secretary (depending on the sex of the child, of course, since the term "unisex" had not yet been coined).

Somewhere in the mezzanine of my mind there has been an implosion. This implosion has resulted in a major change in philosophy: I now refuse to be plankton.

As I was ruminating (yes, ruminating) the other day about what I wanna be when I grow up, I thought how sad it is that back in the day none of us had the foresight to think for ourselves to any great degree. We were oblivious. We were cattle. We were brainwashed. We were
S T U P I D. There. I said it.

No one told us there were occupations we could pursue that were, God forbid, DIFFERENT from the norm. How many kids who caddied on the golf course knew they could play golf for a living? How many kids whose fathers worked at the paper mill knew they could be an FBI Agent/a pilot/a playwright/a Wall Street broker? Not many, I guarantee you.

So what's my point? It's this. After being a wife/a mother/a grandmother for most of my adult life, I've just now decided what I wish I had done with my life. I'm not in any way implying that I regret having my children. My children and grandchildren are the light of my life and I really don't know what I'd do without them. But my identity then (and even now, by and large) is that of "Daren's and Shannon's mom," "Cody's and Dusty's grandmom." And you know what? I didn't mind it then (remember what I said? S T U P I D). I could have been all that and ALSO been my own person, but I was too caught up in that dumb-ass American dream.

It's only been the past couple of years that I wish I had MADE THE TIME to pursue my own interests. Writing has always been fun for me -- an outlet, a creative process, a means to resolve a problem. Once I start to write about a subject, all sorts of ideas come to me; I've come to terms with a lot of issues just by putting pen to paper. It's ENJOYABLE. How terrific would it have been to have worked at a job I truly ENJOYED! But it never occurred to me that I could do something like that. Writing was just a "hobby."

Did I have enough arrogance to think that anything I would write would be interesting to anyone else? Probably not because when I started this blog I figured it would be another hobby of mine -- that no one would read it or care about what I had to say. But I've been astounded at the number of emails I get as a result of this blog, so there are folks out there reading it and evidently being amused or touched by some of the posts. That humbles me.

The beauty of the blog is that I don't have to write in the third person omniscient or the third person limited or be concerned about point of view because it's MY point of view. It's first person all the way. It's ME talking here for a change.

I just wish I had been nekton instead of plankton 40 years ago.

(sigh)

THE WRENCH, THE KNIFE, THE PLIERS AND ME

(sigh)

I bought an adjustable wrench. I needed a pocket knife to get the damned hard plastic wrap off it. The blade to the pocket knife was so tight that I needed a pair of pliers to pull the blade out.

Life for a single woman is soooo hard.

(sigh)

FREDERICKSBURG "THRILLS"

(sigh)

You know, I love Fredericksburg, but sometimes there's a hokiness about it that just slays me. Take, for instance, some of the recent entries in the local paper for home-grown "entertainment."

Featured at JP's Sports Bar on Tuesday is 10-cent wing night where ladies play pool for free. But the ante rises on Wednesday's poker night. The wings are then a nickel more!

The Griffin Bookshop has outdone itself with local authors' signings/demonstrations of Christine Bemko Kril's I Can Do It! Piano Book and Donya Arias' discussion of Not What I Expected: The Unpredictable Road from Womanhood to Motherhood. OMG.

If THAT doesn't do it for you, there's always the golf cart scavenger hunt at Colonial Beach; an evening with the Biscuit Burners and their "fiery mountain music" or the edible art competition in old town; or the classic and muscle car club cruise-in at the Virginia Barbeque parking lot.

I don't know what to do first!

(sigh)

STREET SIGNS

(sigh)

Bill and I have been highly amused at street signs we've encountered the past several months and have been keeping a list as we see them. Here are a few:

Moot Point Lane
Lord's Corner
Hollering Hill
Pea Liquor Road
Hissy Road
Two Johns Road
Hole in the Woods Lane
Honey Pot Lane
Charlotte's Bottom
Jesus Speaks Road
Distillery Row
Cat Eye Court

I sure would like to know the backstory on these names, especially Charlotte's Bottom.

(sigh)

TECHNOLOGY BE DAMNED

(sigh)

You know you're getting old when stuff that used to be simple now requires a week-long course in the technology of all these freaking complicated machines. I am mystified.

I bought a flat screen TV. Someone hooked all the stuff up for me. Once that person left, I went for three days without being able to turn it on! I've never SEEN such a complicated device. All I need is an on/off button, a channel selector and a volume control button. I don't NEED to know the difference between digital and analog, digital voice, HD, on demand, pay-per-view, etc., etc. This TV has the HD receiver built in, so I thought I was simplifying things by purchasing one that had that. Little did I know. I have two remotes, both of which make me crazy. When I finally was able to figure out how to turn the damn set on, I couldn't figure out why the picture was cut off at the bottom. A friend had to tell me to push the "HD Zoom" button to restore it to normal viewing. OMG.

OK. If THAT wasn't enough, it took me six blasted weeks to get a domestic phone installed in my new place. Verizon is so busy laying fiber optic cable for its TV and internet services that it's forgotten it's a phone company. I won't even begin to go into the frustration I endured trying to communicate with a computer which four times called and scheduled an appointment for the installation -- and then no one showed up either time. When I was finally able to speak to a living, breathing person and scheduled the time and date, a computer showed up. Noooooooooo. Bad joke. But the point here is that this phone service is through fiber optics, they installed a box in my basement, gave me a MANUAL to read in case I had to troubleshoot a problem. They have given it to the wrong person. As I sit and type this, there's an annoying alarm going off at that box every 58 seconds. I have no idea what it means. I pulled out the manual, went down and stared at the box, see NOTHING in the troubleshooting guide to tell me what the hell's wrong. Another layer of frustration is that why couldn't they just leave well enough alone and give me a phone with wire on a pole running to the house? With the exception of the phone lines being damaged during Hurricane Isabel, in my entire lifetime I have NEVER ONCE had a problem with those phones. I DO NOT NEED NEW TECHNOLOGY!

Before I moved I had an HP printer that was working just dandy. It refuses to work in my new place. I've had the printer driver uninstalled and reinstalled. Nothing matters. It just refuses to cooperate. I have given up on it.

I think I'm living in a bubble. I want out of it!

(sigh)