HAIR SALONS: THINGS MEN SHOULD NOT DO IF 1)YOU'RE GAY 2)YOU'RE STRAIGHT 3)YOU'RE BI

(sigh)
THINGS MEN SHOULD NOT DO IN A HAIR SALON:

1) IF YOU'RE GAY:
Do not pretend you're straight -- you will incur the ire of those who have "come out."
Do not look admiringly at the curling iron, especially if your partner is present.
Do not accede necessarily to the stylist's suggestions about your hair -- you know almost as much as he does.
Do not wear your purple silk shirt when you have highlights put in your hair -- the glare will be unbearable.Do not mention the words "Mix and Match" when discussing fashion with your stylist.Do not over-tip as it may be misconstrued as a come-on.
Do not forget to share with your stylist Christopher Lowell's most recent design tips.
Do not forget your DVD of "Brokeback Mountain" to loan your stylist -- provided he hasn't already seen it and bought 50 copies for his "best" friends for Christmas.
Do not engage in finger-snapping exhibitions with your stylist while waiting for your perm to neutralize.
Do not forget to mention the memorial plans on the anniversary of Judy's death when talking to your stylist.
Do not hesitate to take bitchiness to the next level by insisting that your stylist eliminate the mousse and instead use Matrix's Flake-Free Flexible Gel.
Do not forget that you're a successful, contented fairy and should therefore be treated with respect. This will include being offered a triple cream, half-caf frappaccino while reading the latest edition of "Glamour" while you languish under the dryer.

2) IF YOU'RE STRAIGHT:
Do not pretend you're gay -- you can never come close to mimicking the swishiness required.
Do not get into a discussion about the merits of the curling iron -- you may hear things you'd rather not.
Do not argue with the stylist about your hair care -- he is omnipotent and s a v v y not only about what to do with your hair but also your clothes, fragrance, accessories.
Do not succumb to wearing your plaid shirt to have your hair cut -- you will be the topic of conversation and sixteen snickers about your lack of style.Do not mention that you don't CARE whether your plaid shirt looks redneck.Do not under-tip as you will be regarded as the cheap, unsophisticated buffoon they see all straight men to be.
Do not mention that you pray every day that Christopher Lowell's TV show will be cancelled.
Do not mention that you can't imagine why "Brokeback Mountain" got a nomination for Best Picture.
Do not be offended when your stylist attempts to show you his finger-snapping abilities while waiting for the next shampoo station.
Do not DARE ask "Judy who?" when your stylist mentions plans for memorializing her on the anniversary of her death.
Do not flinch when your stylist insists upon a volumizing gel for your short, short
haircut.
Do not say, "Have you lost your freakin' mind?" when asked if you'd like a triple cream, half-caf frappaccino and the latest edition of "Glamour" to browse.
3) IF YOU'RE BI
Forget it. Buy yourself a Flowbee. You don't have a prayer.

(sigh)