VIJAY'S DC TRAFFIC REPORT

(LOL)

A friend of mine does the craziest schtick about an East Indian providing traffic updates for the DC area. Some of the following is his, some mine. Envision the English dialogue with that sing-song East Indian accent.

This is Vijay Hassan coming to you from de WJAB traffic heli-o-copter overlooking I-95 to the south. Whoa..........better go warn de cows dat you be late dis evenin'. You beautiful ladies will be gettin' your madras saris in a knot dis afternoon. Looks like one of dose big trucks has met with the eighth avatar of Vishnu. De Krishna's karma is very upset dis day! Speakin' of de eighth avatar of Vishnu, Krishna had de taste for butter, so why not pull off at exit 52 and head to Guru for some lamb vindaloo and a side order of naan? Would hit de spot while waitin' for Rajesh to move dat truck.

De weather report say it's 95 of dose Punjab degrees out dere too. Like a tandoori oven, it be. Speakin' of a tandoori oven, if you be near exit 54, veer to de left off de ramp and slide in to Shanti's and treat yourself to de Tandoori paneer, some bhaat and aloo. Will fill up dat tummy and spice up de afternoon. Dere's wonderful carnatic music dere too -- not dat horrible Hindustani music de young ones listen to! You can even get up and do de Rouff or de Larani or jes watch'em if de feets be tired.

Holy Hindu cow! So not only is de road a mess but looks like dere's a t u n d e r s t o r m headin' our way like a big belna. Goin' to beat the castes down to de lowest level! De rains will come like de monsoons in Mumbai. A perfect time to throw up de hands and get off at exit 57 to drop a rupee and several paise for an iced chai tea at Indira's. Pick up de Sanskrit Times and sit back and sip til de rains pass. Better yet, if your cows have been lettin' down pies on your home-grown hashish, light up and settle in for an all natural hit!

Looks like things be movin' again. You perantaalus and nannas get to your Taj Mahals and start readin' "A Passage to India." Be a nice, relaxin' evening for you.

Dis is Vijay Hassan from above the Beltway wishin' you peace and Gandhi's love.