HOT WAX AND THE BIKINI LINE

(sigh, lol, sigh, lol, sigh, lol)

The following was sent to me by a dear friend in Gafney, South Carolina. It's hilarious -- and hopefully it's not her own personal experience! Excuse the line length problems -- I copied and pasted because I'm too trifling to re-type it, and that method messed up the spacing. Overlook it and laugh out loud as you read!

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of
easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix
dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring
painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the
waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a
clump of hot wax. You just rub the strips together in your hand, they get
warm, and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever
else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss.
So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each
other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks
in, so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh, hold the
skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best
feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer
eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinary!
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using
the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my
bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-hoo and stretching down
to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision
returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.
CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and
spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing
drums???
Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy -- a wax-covered strip, the one that has
caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to
revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it! Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see
the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching
wax.
CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which
is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know
I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the
slamming of a cell door.
Hoo-hoo? Sealed shut!
Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do.
What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts
wax!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently
wipe it off, Right???
WRONG!!!!!!!
I get in the tub -- the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. I sit.
The only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together
is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the
tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold
wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had
epoxied myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a
phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has
waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.
It's a very good conversation starter -- "So...my butt and hoo hoo are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" I calmly tell her.
There is a slight pause.
She's laughing out loud by now..I can hear her. I give her the
rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!!
Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax
off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies
covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and
then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling
for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I
really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The
scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.
It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!"
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I
successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief
and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF
IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I
could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color.

(Sandy, this is for YOU!!!!!!!!!LOLOLOL)